have you ever been away from something and not known how to get back to it? it's been kind of like that this week now that i am finally in a place that is supposed to be "home"—i feel like i never write that word without quotes, even if only implied. being away from all aspects of routine for several weeks makes it difficult to fall back in by itself, but on top of it i am starting out in a new place and have to go through the adjustments and struggles of finding a "place" within the new place.

since i last tip-typed here i've seen so much. today on some train, i forget which one since i took about ten different ones, i saw this poetry in motion poster, and got stuck on the part:

You travel a path on paper and discover you're in a city you only thought about before.

i'm still trying to figure all that out, how we'd start out driving & i'd peer at the maps & suddenly all those little dots along the highway would be behind us, some temporary destination reached. or when we finally got to portland and unpacked the car and whenever we got back into it to go somewhere in town, it seemed so empty. i saw a lot of places i had been wanting to see; now what to do with that information? i feel a bit awkward because i don't know how to communicate how i feel about this trip & the opportunity to take it in the first place. my travel partner eleanor gets at it (nearer the end) a little bit, as well as sandi.

i feel so out of practice. today i walked everywhere & was propelled through tunnels the rest of the way, and i am not adjusted or settled or anything yet. with all that activity, i should be dead asleep, but instead i am fretting over finding a job and how employable i may or may not be, basically all the things i got to pretend to leave behind in boston for a while. i don't think this is what the longest day of the year is supposed to be about, not realizing your underlying anxiety until you are trying to get to sleep.